He was the most astonishing contradiction of components I’d ever encountered. Shy yet fiercely communicative when putting an idea into your head. Vocally astringent regarding his own abilities but not to the point that he couldn’t produce—he was as prolific an artist (yes, an artist, and I never use the term, especially regarding people I like) I’ve ever seen. But I could feel it. Everything he sketched, penciled, inked, made—was a payment, one he could scarcely afford; as if it physically hurt him to put pencil to paper. Yet that only seemed to spur him on, to live far beyond his means. He was unable not to. For Sketch, to draw was to breath, and so the air became lead—silvery in the right light, dark soot in the wrong; heavy, slick and malleable—into shapes he brought together in glorious orchestration, with a child’s eye and a rocket scientist’s precision, all fortified by a furious melancholy, a quiet engine of sourceless shame and humility.When it came to another’s work, he longed to praise it but then couldn’t resist critiquing it all within an inch of its life, analyzing deficiencies with uncontrollable abandon and laser accuracy. He was sharp as his Radio 914 pen nibs, and as pointed.And then he’d apologize. Oh, he would apologize: Oh my GOD, forgive me, please don’t hate me, I’m SORRY, don’t listen to me, why am I saying things, what do I know, I don’t know anything, why do you listen to me you should just tell me to shut UP, I’m awful, forgive me, you hate me, don’t you? Tell the truth. Please don’t hate me. Please don’t. Please.
Odd, the words: ‘while away the time’.How to hold it fast the harder thing.Who is not fearful: where is there a staying,where in all this is there any being?Look, as the day slows towards the spacethat draws it into dusk: rising becameupstanding, standing a laying down, and thenthat which accepts its lying blurs to darkness.Mountains rest, outgloried be the stars -but even there, time’s transition glimmers.Ah, nightly refuged in my wild heart,roofless, the imperishable lingers.—Wunderliches Wort: die Zeit vertreiben!Sie zu halten, wäre das Problem.Denn, wen ängstigts nicht: wo ist ein Bleiben,wo ein endlich Sein in alledem? -Sieh, der Tag verlangsamt sich, entgegenjenem Raum, der ihn nach Abend nimmt:Aufstehn wurde Stehn, und Stehn wird Legen,und das willig Liegende verschwimmt -Berge ruhn, von Sternen überprächtigt; -aber auch in ihnen flimmert Zeit.Ach, in meinem wilden Herzen nächtigtobdachlos die Unvergänglichkeit.
Make choices and manage your choices according to what is good for you,” then there is a built-in tension between that which connects and that which divides. Between the material and the intellectual or ethical. Materialism is not a dirty word, but in this tension between the individual and the material on the one hand, and the communal and the ethical on the other, we are at the end of an age in which the material and the individual are triumphing.